Another thing the Poms are shit at... EUROVISION!

If there is one thing that makes me laugh out loud its how seriously the British (or 'Royaume - Uni null pwoi' to give them their real name) take the Eurovision song contest.

Britain/Royaume-Uni. Get it into your fucking thick heads. YOU CANNOT SING.

It wouldn't matter if a choir of Angels got up on that stage and sang a selection of hymns written by God himself. If those Angels were British they would make the hymns sound like they were sung by Mark 'Barney' Greenway out of Napalm Death ..... with a head cold.

And yet despite this fact good old Royaume-Uni null pwoi continue to enter someone into this competition every year. And every year its the same result. They fail to win. The last time team Royaume-Uni won this competition was when they paid Katrina Leskanitch (better known as Katrina out of 80's one hit wonders 'Katrina and the Waves') to sing the UK entry. Sadly shes a Canadian and about as British as Britney Spears. But hey....lets not worry about that eh.

If you want a real laugh why not follow this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eu5kgSeZHfw

Its 'Royaume-Uni-Null-Pwoi' doing what they do best way back in 2003. Of course despite the fact 'Jemini' were probably the worst Eurovision act since the conception of this comical competition, the girl singing was completely tone deaf and the whole of Europe laughed for months the Brits turned it round and blamed the fact that NOBODY IN EUROPE GAVE JEMINI A SINGLE POINT on the fact that Britian had just invaded Iraq and Europe were pissed off about it.

So who sung for the plucky Brits this year??

You know what??

I havent got a clue.

All I know from looking through todays Sunday Sport it was some buck toothed black Sheila singing with Andrew Lloyd Webber (another good looking Pommie bastard) on piano.

And they came 5th.

FAIL

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ANZAC Day ... 25 April ..... London

Head for the Australian War Memorial, Hyde Park Corner, London on the 25th for the Dawn Service.

Remember our brave Soldiers fighting and dying for the fucking Poms and helping the Yanks bail their English arses out.

The 2012 Olympics will be embarrassing for England

Given that the English couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery I shudder to think how badly run the 2012 Olympics will be.

The olympics is a fantastic sporting contest. The last 3 hosts have done a fantastic job of organising them. The Greeks put on a great one in Athens, the traditional home of the Olympics. The Chinese spectacle in Beijing was stunning. And of course who could forget the 2000 Olympics in Sydney (arguably the greatest Olympics ever staged)

So now its the turn of fucking England. And its being held in London. London is one of the dirtiest crime ridden overpopulated shit tips on the entire planet. Especially the east end of London. So where are the poms holding it? Yes...in the East End of London.

This will be a disaster for England. I cant wait to see the English make arseholes out of themselves. As Aussie Dave types this in March 2009 I think they have hardly built anything in the way of stadia.

They need to change the logo to the one I have posted above.

The 2012 London Olympics WILL be shit.

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English Beer. Fucking hell it's bad.

English beer. OH MY FUCKING GOD.

Back in Australia we like our beer. You simply can't beat a trip down the bottlo, splash out about $25 on a slab of VB and then have a few cold ones whilst checking out the NRL, Super 14, V8 Supercars or a day tanning in the backyard watching the cricket.

Even when you have a night out in the RSL, your local Leagues Club or just down the local pub, the old VB or NEW goes down a treat. Its served on tap out of an ice covered pump and is so cold it makes your teeth ache. Bewdy.

Thank god one or 2 'wine warehouses' over here in Pommieland now stock the good stuff, so a homesick Aussie can buy a slab or 2 and drink it in the comfort of his house.

But what happens when you are out over here and there isn't a Walkabout Inn around or you have forgotten to pack a few stubbies into your esky if you are driving?

Ladies and Gentlemen....welcome to a Pommie Pub.

Now you will find that pubs over here are not like pubs back home. A typical English pub will be chockers with underage drinkers and underage slappers who have been picked up so many times they have grown handles. The beer is warm. Its flat. They sell a curious beer called 'Bitter' that is actually nothing like Victoria 'Bitter' at all. Pommie bitter is like drinking warm rusty water through an Abos jockstrap. The Lager (what we call 'Beer' back home) is a rancid combination of various chemicals. The 'Cider' has never seen an apple in its life. They do a drink called 'Mild' ...which from what I can work out is the slops left over from when they have brewed English 'Bitter'. I think an average pint of 'Bitter' over here is about 3.4% ABV .... a truly truly repulsive experience when you realise you need about 8 pints of the stuff before you even feel slighly pissed.

England. Sort your fucking teeth out.

Poms. You have the worst teeth anywhere on the planet. FACT.

You know it's bad when the Simpsons start taking the piss out of you. Remember 'The Big Book of British Smiles' that the dentist showed Lisa?

Fucking hell. I'm not asking you to be the next Donny Osmond. But for fucks sake.... CLEAN YOUR TEETH AT LEAST TWICE A DAY??? It's not hard? You get a toothbrush, slap some toothpaste on it and get scrubbing. And don't be scared of using a bit of Listerine or some dental floss too you unhygienic wankers.

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Poms. Ever tried using soap???

Poms. How can I put this tactfully? Fuck it. I can't. YOU FUCKING STINK.

When I was growing up in good old Australia everyone used to say similar things about the English. They have a bath once a week whether they need it or not. The best way to make an Englishman run is to wave a bar of soap at him. An English batsman will quite happily let the Palmolive pass through to the keeper without offering a stroke. The expression 'I'm as dry as a Pommie Shower' was used frequently. If you sprayed yourself with deodorant you had 'A Pommie Shower'. These are the sort of comments I heard about the English on a day to day basis. As a small child I used to think to myself 'Who the fuck are these people?' 'People that dont like soap and water?' 'What the fuck?' I put it down as a joke, forgot about it and didn't really believe it.

AND THEN I CAME TO ENGLAND.

Mum. Dad. Johnno the Postman. Wayneo Jones from down the road. Miss Gough my school teacher. Mr Schultz the baker. Mikey Cunningham from number 5. Everyone else I have forgotten. To all of you. I APOLOGISE FOR DOUBTING YOU. EVERYTHING YOU SAID WAS TRUE.

POMS. YOU REALLY DO FUCKING STINK.

If you don't believe me try catching the London Underground during the rush hour in the middle of July. Hundreds of Poms all packed into a carriage like sweaty sardines. Its truly enough to make you chuck.

I personally copped a whiff of a Pom on there a few weeks ago who really did smell like he had shit himself.

3 months ago.

Absolutely. Fucking. Disgusting.

Poms. If you can't afford a bar of soap now and then see me. I'll happily buy you one.

But I'll bet you 20 bucks you won't have a clue how to use it.

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Why are the English always fucking queueing?????

It doesnt matter where you go in England. In every shop, in every town, in every village in this strange little land you will see them. QUEUES. The Poms just love a queue. And its not just in shops. Those hopeless English bastards will queue out on the street as well. Who cares whats at the front of the queue? Not the Poms. There could be a pile of shit sandwiches on a dirty plate edged with rusty barbed wire and the English will get in a queue. Why did so many of the fuckers go down with the Titanic? Lack of life boats? NO. Lack of life jackets? NO. Most of them drowned because they were too busy queueing for a life boat or waiting in a queue to get a life jacket.

The other week I was standing outside a shop with a friend looking at something in the window. I became aware of a woman standing next to me. She looked at me, then looked into the shop window then looked back at me. 'Excuse me' she smiled, showing off her gingivitis riddled gums.. 'Are you a queue?'