The 2012 Olympics will be embarrassing for England

Given that the English couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery I shudder to think how badly run the 2012 Olympics will be.

The olympics is a fantastic sporting contest. The last 3 hosts have done a fantastic job of organising them. The Greeks put on a great one in Athens, the traditional home of the Olympics. The Chinese spectacle in Beijing was stunning. And of course who could forget the 2000 Olympics in Sydney (arguably the greatest Olympics ever staged)

So now its the turn of fucking England. And its being held in London. London is one of the dirtiest crime ridden overpopulated shit tips on the entire planet. Especially the east end of London. So where are the poms holding it? Yes...in the East End of London.

This will be a disaster for England. I cant wait to see the English make arseholes out of themselves. As Aussie Dave types this in March 2009 I think they have hardly built anything in the way of stadia.

They need to change the logo to the one I have posted above.

The 2012 London Olympics WILL be shit.

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English Beer. Fucking hell it's bad.

English beer. OH MY FUCKING GOD.

Back in Australia we like our beer. You simply can't beat a trip down the bottlo, splash out about $25 on a slab of VB and then have a few cold ones whilst checking out the NRL, Super 14, V8 Supercars or a day tanning in the backyard watching the cricket.

Even when you have a night out in the RSL, your local Leagues Club or just down the local pub, the old VB or NEW goes down a treat. Its served on tap out of an ice covered pump and is so cold it makes your teeth ache. Bewdy.

Thank god one or 2 'wine warehouses' over here in Pommieland now stock the good stuff, so a homesick Aussie can buy a slab or 2 and drink it in the comfort of his house.

But what happens when you are out over here and there isn't a Walkabout Inn around or you have forgotten to pack a few stubbies into your esky if you are driving?

Ladies and Gentlemen....welcome to a Pommie Pub.

Now you will find that pubs over here are not like pubs back home. A typical English pub will be chockers with underage drinkers and underage slappers who have been picked up so many times they have grown handles. The beer is warm. Its flat. They sell a curious beer called 'Bitter' that is actually nothing like Victoria 'Bitter' at all. Pommie bitter is like drinking warm rusty water through an Abos jockstrap. The Lager (what we call 'Beer' back home) is a rancid combination of various chemicals. The 'Cider' has never seen an apple in its life. They do a drink called 'Mild' ...which from what I can work out is the slops left over from when they have brewed English 'Bitter'. I think an average pint of 'Bitter' over here is about 3.4% ABV .... a truly truly repulsive experience when you realise you need about 8 pints of the stuff before you even feel slighly pissed.

England. Sort your fucking teeth out.

Poms. You have the worst teeth anywhere on the planet. FACT.

You know it's bad when the Simpsons start taking the piss out of you. Remember 'The Big Book of British Smiles' that the dentist showed Lisa?

Fucking hell. I'm not asking you to be the next Donny Osmond. But for fucks sake.... CLEAN YOUR TEETH AT LEAST TWICE A DAY??? It's not hard? You get a toothbrush, slap some toothpaste on it and get scrubbing. And don't be scared of using a bit of Listerine or some dental floss too you unhygienic wankers.

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Poms. Ever tried using soap???

Poms. How can I put this tactfully? Fuck it. I can't. YOU FUCKING STINK.

When I was growing up in good old Australia everyone used to say similar things about the English. They have a bath once a week whether they need it or not. The best way to make an Englishman run is to wave a bar of soap at him. An English batsman will quite happily let the Palmolive pass through to the keeper without offering a stroke. The expression 'I'm as dry as a Pommie Shower' was used frequently. If you sprayed yourself with deodorant you had 'A Pommie Shower'. These are the sort of comments I heard about the English on a day to day basis. As a small child I used to think to myself 'Who the fuck are these people?' 'People that dont like soap and water?' 'What the fuck?' I put it down as a joke, forgot about it and didn't really believe it.

AND THEN I CAME TO ENGLAND.

Mum. Dad. Johnno the Postman. Wayneo Jones from down the road. Miss Gough my school teacher. Mr Schultz the baker. Mikey Cunningham from number 5. Everyone else I have forgotten. To all of you. I APOLOGISE FOR DOUBTING YOU. EVERYTHING YOU SAID WAS TRUE.

POMS. YOU REALLY DO FUCKING STINK.

If you don't believe me try catching the London Underground during the rush hour in the middle of July. Hundreds of Poms all packed into a carriage like sweaty sardines. Its truly enough to make you chuck.

I personally copped a whiff of a Pom on there a few weeks ago who really did smell like he had shit himself.

3 months ago.

Absolutely. Fucking. Disgusting.

Poms. If you can't afford a bar of soap now and then see me. I'll happily buy you one.

But I'll bet you 20 bucks you won't have a clue how to use it.

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Why are the English always fucking queueing?????

It doesnt matter where you go in England. In every shop, in every town, in every village in this strange little land you will see them. QUEUES. The Poms just love a queue. And its not just in shops. Those hopeless English bastards will queue out on the street as well. Who cares whats at the front of the queue? Not the Poms. There could be a pile of shit sandwiches on a dirty plate edged with rusty barbed wire and the English will get in a queue. Why did so many of the fuckers go down with the Titanic? Lack of life boats? NO. Lack of life jackets? NO. Most of them drowned because they were too busy queueing for a life boat or waiting in a queue to get a life jacket.

The other week I was standing outside a shop with a friend looking at something in the window. I became aware of a woman standing next to me. She looked at me, then looked into the shop window then looked back at me. 'Excuse me' she smiled, showing off her gingivitis riddled gums.. 'Are you a queue?'

"The Walkabout" Shepherds Bush

58 Shepherds Bush Green. London W12 8QE.

The home of the legendary Shepherds Bush Walkabout or 'SheBu Walkie' as we call it.

This place simply has to be seen to be believed. It is the epicentre of Aussie in London Backpacker Culture. This is where real Aussies come to drink real beer and eat real pies. This building (A former cinema that survived the Germans bombing London in the war) has been tastefully converted into the most feral pub in the whole of London, if not the whole of England.

This place is NOT the place to go for a quiet beer. This place on a Saturday night resembles a WW1 field hospital. You will see blood, excrement, alcohol, urine and semi conscious people all over the floor. Aussie rock music will be cranking out. The big screen will be showing decent sports like NRL, Super 14 or V8 Supercars. The bar stocks all the decent grog from back home such as VB, Tooheys, Crownies, Bundy and Coopers. The pies are Vilis, the sauce is tomato and the place is fucking superb. There is half a Holden nailed to the wall. The floor is sticky and the toilets are fucking filthy.

Recently I've noticed a few Pommies dropping by to see what all the fuss is about. Thankfully they soon leave.

This is an Aussie style pub, for Aussie people to drink Aussie beer and watch Aussie sport.

Poms.

Fuck off.

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Inglés?? No entiendo que!

I feel genuinely sorry for the English sometimes. Lets be honest they have got fuck all going for them. They are ugly. They are shit at sport. The whole country is ultimately governed by Brussels and whatever they say, goes. Crime is through the roof, the food is bad enough to make a Billy goat puke and this fucked up little island has become Europes dumping ground for toxic waste.

We have already established that the only good thing about England is its proximity to continental Europe with all its history, fine dining and culture. So Aussie Dave decided to pick up a cheap flight and have a hop over to Spain for a few days.

Spain is a top place. Great architecture, a shit load of history, interesting little shops, a fantastic public transport service, nice weather and lovely fresh food. Spain is everything that England is not. But the Spanish themselves.... initially they didnt strike me as particularly friendly. I thought it was a bit odd. I know a lot of Aussies who have come over to Spain and they have all said they were great people. Strange I thought.....

I was trying to catch a train at Barcelona train station. Obviously being Spain, all the announcements were in Spanish. There were lots of platforms, lots of trains and I wasn't sure where to go. So I asked a guy who was working at the station if he could help me.

The bloke at the station looked me up and down as I spoke to him. I spoke in English. I apologised (in Spanish) for not being able to speak his language very well. He scowled at me and said 'Inglés?? No entiendo que!' before turning his back on me. I noticed his work colleague was laughing and they continued to speak Spanish.

Then it hit me.

These 2 guys thought I was fucking English.

Oh my fucking god. The embarrassment. AUSSIE DAVE BEING MISTAKEN FOR A FUCKING POM.

I knew there was only one thing for it. I had to prove to these Dago bastards that I was an Aussie. Fast.

I got my Aussie passport out of my backpack. Aussie Dave is an intelligent guy and thankfully has a basic command of quite a few languages, so I tapped the railway worker on the shoulder, showed him my passport and said 'Crees que soy Ingles? Yo vengo de Australia!!!'

The 2 blokes looked at each other. Then back at me. And then an amazing thing happened.

In perfect English the one guy said to me 'Sir. I am so very sorry. My friend and I thought you were English. You are Australian?? Australia is a beautiful country. We love Australians here in Spain. You are very very welcome here in Barcelona.'

And after that mix up those guys couldn't do enough for me. They even took me to the platform where my train was going from. They recommended several interesting things to see and do in Barcelona. They told me the best places to eat. We discussed cricket, football and we both agreed how fucked up the English are. What a great pair of bastards they were.

Its refreshing to find out that it's correct what everyone else has told me.

Even other Europeans hate the Poms as much as we do.

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A list of good things about England

1. It's handy to Continental Europe with all it's fine food, history and beautiful places.

2. Thats fucking it.


:-(