The Save the Pom appeal 2009 in association with the Red Cross

England. One of the most fucked up countries on the planet. Crime is through the roof, everyone over the age of 5 is on crack cocaine and the average age of an English girl starting a family is 11 years old.
The 2009 Save the Pom Fund to assist individuals and communities affected by living in England was launched today in partnership with Red Cross and the Federal Government.
Donations are continuing to flow in via the website and phone. There has been an overwhelming response from overseas, including a generous donation from more advanced and pleasant places to live in this world including Burma, Nigeria and the Democratic Republic of Congo. Funds raised will be used to provide assistance to individuals and communities in towns and suburbs affected by living in England. An independent panel made up of community leaders will oversee the Appeal Funds operation. Please note: Red Cross will not deduct any costs from public donations to cover Appeal costs. All interest earned on donations will be invested back into the Appeal. Should the funds raised exceed the amount required to meet these needs, any excess funds will be used to assist in future disasters in England.

Please. I beg you. Give generously. These people need your help NOW.

British Cars make me laugh

Where I come from the car is king. Back in Australia the big V8 rules supreme. In Australia people love their cars. There is a big V8 Supercar series between Holden and Ford. Aussie cars are ANIMALS. Listening to a big V8 Holden utility pulling away from any suburban traffic lights would bring a tear to your eye.

And then theres the British cars. They also bring a tear to your eye. Usually a tear of laughter. Unless you have the misfortune to own one, then its usually a tear of despair as the fucking thing breaks down on you yet again. Look at the picture. Here is a typical british car in it's favourite habitat. Broken down and firmly attached to the back of a tow truck.

British cars have been the laughing stock of the world since the early 1970's. Back then the pride of British car engineering was British Leyland. BL were responsible for such classic cars as the Allegro (pictured) the Marina, the mini, and the Austin maxi. Apart from being designed by idiots and built by arseholes, these cars all had one thing in common. They broke down every 5 minutes, dripped oil and water like an incontinent pensioner and ultimately rusted away to nothing.

So exactly what cars do the British build these days? Well....they dont. All the cars 'made' in England are Japanese. Or German. Even the Chinese dont trust the Poms to build their new car. Because they are shit.

Virtually every car I see broken down on the side of the motorway was built in Britain. BADLY.

Even Ford Europe have transferred most of their car building to Germany, leaving the Brits to put the engines together. And as you would expect....when a Ford breaks down....... yes...its the engine thats gone wrong.

English Farmers should all be shot

Yes I know British farmers grow stuff. Yes I know British farmers milk cows so we can have milk on our coco pops.

But for fucks sake.....why are they so fucking annoying?

Travel to any rural location anywhere in England and you will see a farmer. Usually the fuckers will be dressed in overalls covered in shit, an old greasy looking jacket, wellington boots and a flat cap. More often than not you will be driving along an English country road in a massive tailback of traffic doing 10 mph. There at the front of the queue, driving along in a world of oblivion at 10 mph on a filthy tractor will be a farmer. The farmer doesnt give a fuck about the fact he is holding you up. All he really cares about is how much money the British government are paying him and his inbred family to NOT grow any crops this year.

Older farmers on a trip out to the local town particularly amuse me. The will always be dressed the same. They will have shiny brown elastic sided boots on, light brown trousers, a check shirt, a tweed jacket and a tie. They will all have ruddy complexions. Usually they will be carrying a walking stick. They will have hairy ears and teeth with gaps inbetween.They smile inanely. They will have made the journey into town in a brand new Land Rover or top of the range Range Rover. Whichever they have travelled in, it will be coated from wheels to roof in caked on cow shit. There will usually be a filthy dog on the back seat and a bale of hay in the boot. They will always be whinging about how they have no money.

British farmers, you won't be surprised to hear, are all interbred. Their children all resemble the 2 retards in the picture above. This picture is of 2 English farmers daughters called Daisy and Rosie. The male children are usually born with only one eye in the centre of their foreheads and spend all day being sexually inappropriate with their own mothers.

All farmers will make the effort to ensure their offspring all end up marrying their cousins, or if they can get away with it, their own brothers or sisters. This is because British farmers are paranoid that their farms will end up being passed on to someone from outside their own bloodline. The phrase 'keep it in the family' was made for English farmers!

The one good thing about English farmers is that they like to commit suicide. This is usually done when a child marries an 'outsider' or the government have not paid them £2,000,000 for not growing a field of wheat.

The good thing about farmer suicides is that for every one that does it, it's one less to get in my fucking way on the roads and cover my shiny new car in cow shit as I queue behind them at 10 mph.

Hull...Why does it exist?

Hull. Or to give the place its really posh name 'Kingston Upon Hull'

I'm always wary of English towns and cities that have posh sounding names. Invariably they are little more than a graffitti covered slum, populated by winos, junkies and lifes general all round fuck ups.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kingston Upon Hull is no exception.

Even in peak summer this place fails to get over about 21 degrees. A cold wind blows off the north sea, its usually raining and the place has a general all round air of poverty. In the winter....don't even consider visiting the place. I've been to some pretty depressing British cities, but Hull is definately one of the worst.

Why does this city exist?? The fishing industry is long dead and shipbuilding here has never been a big thing. Its a popular portal for people wanting to get out of the UK and go to Holland on the ferry, but thats surely it.

The people of Hull are the usual mix of unemployed and unemployable wastrels that are found in so many English cities. Interbreeding is rife amongst the citizens of Europes largest council estate, called Bransholme in the East of the city.

Hull is famous for one thing however. In 2003 it was awarded first place in the 'Idler book of Britains crap towns' What an honour.

Hull has 2 Rugby League teams, both are poor, however 'HULL FC' are worse than 'HULL KR'. However to the inbreds up in Hull they are the best thing since the invention of the wheel.

Hull has also gained infamy as the home of serial arsonist, Peter Dinsdale, who killed 26 people around the city. He pleaded guilty to 26 charges of manslaughter in 1981, and was detained indefinitely under the Mental Health Act as “a dangerous psychotic" Its a pity he got caught. If there was ever a British city that was in need of burning to the ground it's Hull.

English Football is dead and buried.

I mentioned English Rugby League on an earlier post, and how England invented the rules yet they are still fucking shit at it.

The same thing could be said of Football (or Soccer as we call it in Australia)

In Australia it has been said that soccer is a game played by only 3 types of person. Poofters, Wogs and Sheilas. And how very true.

So lets have a Captain Cook at the Pommie national pastime in a bit of detail.

Its a really simple game this one. The idea is to kick a football into a goal. However simple it may be, the English have never really grasped the concept of it. The earliest game of footy played on this shitty little island was believed to have been introduced by the Romans. When the Romans fucked off, a few years later the Normans invaded and brought with them a similar type of game. I have no idea if the English played either the Romans or the Normans at soccer, but I'm sure if they did they would have lost. Badly. Because thats what the Poms do best in life.

The funny thing about the Poms is that even to this day they keep banging on about winning the World cup against the Germans. In fucking 1966. FORTY THREE YEARS AGO. And that was only because the Russian linesman hated the Germans and decided to award England a goal that was never a goal in a million years.

So just what have England won at football since 1966???

FUCK ALL.

Yup. FUCK ALL. And this from a country that claims football to be its national sport. Pathetic. Maybe its time England adopted dominos or snooker as its national sport. Although I doubt they would fucking win either of those.

So just why are England so shit at their own national sport??

Simple.

All the big named Pommie clubs buy foreigners. Take Arsenal. I am not a fan of soccer, but from what I recall hardly any of the team are English. Same as Chelsea. One maybe 2 Poms in the entire side?? So as with Rugby League when it comes to putting a national team out the Poms are fucked.

Also what hasn't helped is the English Football Hooligans. Where as you would expect there to be a bit of tension between supporters of Poland and Germany, or maybe Holland and Germany for events 50 odd years ago, why do the English like to travel to Greece or Spain, consume the local beer (which is stronger than your average pint of pommie pisswater) and proceed to fight the locals then smash the place up? And if thats not bad enough, supporters of two different London /Manchester / Birmingham clubs will quite happily arrange meetings before a game where rival fans will proceed to kick several shades of shit out of one another. So not being content with bashing foreigners, your average Pommie football fan will quite happily bash his next door neighbour for supporting a different team if there are no foreigners are about.

As I mentioned, England havent won a football trophy for 43 years. And the way the national team play I think we can safely say it will be at least another 43 years before any silverware makes its way to that empty trophy cabinet at Wembley stadium.

The English can't cope with their own weather

Many Aussies have never seen snow. I was lucky because I used to live in the Snowy Mountains, southern NSW at the foot of Mount Kosciusko for a short time. As the name would suggest...it used to snow. HARD. Allegedly we used to get more snow than Switzerland. But life went on as normal. Schools were open, roads were snow ploughed, chains were fitted onto car wheels...and off we went.
I went to Finland a few years ago...in December. Snow everywhere, ice, and temperatures of -25. Life carried on. The locals didn't bat an eyelid over it. One even said she was sorry it wasn't colder for the tourists.

And then there was the snow we had in England last week. The picture will illustrate nicely the 'Blizzard conditions' in London.

As one would imagine the whole of fucking England ground to a halt. Ok, some areas had a bit of snow. But at no stage was it on par with Mount Kosciusko or Finland.

This light coating of snow exposed some depressing national failings. In particular, the snowfalls have drawn attention to the negative mentality that prevails in certain sections of the public sector. The closure of thousands of schools on account of the snow was inexcusable. Too many head teachers have failed to take their responsibilities seriously, making little apparent effort to open their gates. I know English schools are shit, but fucking hell people ....its not like it snowed much.

Every regional authority across England revealed itself to be just as unprepared as the next. No lessons were learned and no one had a clue how to cope.

Out in the Pommie supermarkets people started to panic buy bread, milk, flour and eggs as though the Third World War was imminent. Newsflashes came on the telly showing weather presenters standing in a full 5cm of snow and whinging about how terrible it was. And how its going to get so much worse. For fucks sake.

And all this over the sort of weather that your average Siberian wouldn't even notice.

The English are shit at Rugby League

Rugby League. A great game. I grew up in Australia playing, watching and supporting it. Rugby League was invented in England way back in 1895 in a shitty little northern town called Huddersfield, a place where the gene pool is shallower than a kiddies paddling pool.

And like so many other sports invented in England.......the English are completely shit at it. The problem is that because we are so good at it in Australia, all the English clubs pay our old has been Rugby league stars to come over here and play at club level. The sort of Aussies who have got too old and slow for our NRL competition back home. The sort of Aussies who get injured in Australia and are told to retire, get offered big bucks to come to England and play because its so easy here. So naturally they do. So as a result when it comes to choosing 13 good English players to represent England in a tournament they are fucked. Because there aren't 13 good enough in the whole country. Because the Aussies have taken their jobs at club level. Oh dear.

The last time Australia played England at Rugby League it finished Australia 52 ...England 4. In the last Rugby league World Cup England were flogged in every game, apart from when they just scraped home against a nation of Rugby League amateurs called Papua New Guinea by 32 points to 22 .

England are captained by a bloke called Jamie Peacock. Jamie could never be described as the most intelligent of people. Poor old Jamie also sounds like a 7 year old boy, high on red cordial, with a speech impediment.

England.
Give up at Rugby League.

I feel embarrassed for you.

The English. Ugly, Ugly, UGLY.

There are far too many ugly people in England. I am not kidding, this shit has got to stop. England has filled its quota of ugliness. No more ugly people needed. Remove the 'Ugly People required in England' posters. The positions have all been filled. At least 50 times over. With thousands left disappointed.

Whilst out today I saw man whose face was grotesquely pinched and small, but whose head was big and round. And if that wasn't bad enough, he'd grown a moustache and a goatee beard. People in England are casually ugly. The typical ugly person in Australia is kind of too fat or too thin. And that’s it. They might have a weird bald patch, but generally speaking, they're sort of ok. In England, you’ll see people in the street who look like they belong in a circus. I’ve sat next to people on buses and on the tube and made sure none of my exposed skin touched theirs for fear I might somehow contract warts or some other disgusting skin disease from them. In Australia we only allow really beautiful people on TV. Unless they're really funny, and even then, we have limits. In England, you can have your own TV show even if you look like a rhinos afterbirth. And that's on fucking TV. On the streets of this fucked up island it's a free for all. Just go to any bus stop or train station in England and you will see people with faces like partially melted wax sculptures, faces that look one part human flesh / one part monkey vomit.

This has to be the ugliest country in the world. Everyone has the right to be ugly, but the Poms just take the fucking piss.

British Food is SHIT

From the first second my plane touched English soil at Heathrow Terminal 4 and I went for my first meal in England I immediately noticed something.

BRITISH FOOD IS SHIT.

How can a place so close to gourmet experts like France and Italy sustain itself with a national cuisine of such SHIT?

Check out the 'Full English' breakfast in the picture. Fatty bacon. Egg fried in grease. Baked beans in tomato sauce. A slice of bread fried in oil. Mushrooms boiled in butter. Black pudding (a uniquely British delicacy consisting of pigs blood and congealed fat in a sausage shape.) And then they fry it. In grease.

And then there is the Full English's crowning glory.

THE BRITISH SAUSAGE.

I checked the meat content on a bag of Marks & Spencer basic pork sausages this morning and found it's meat content was just below 47% pork.That's not really a basic pork sausage is it. Less than half pork? That's like me claiming I'm a basic 12 foot man."How tall are you?""Basically, I'm 12 foot tall. Some of it is me, about 47%, and the rest is something else"


And it get's worse. Marks & Spencer are a posh supermarket over here. I went to Sainsbury's and found the pork content of their Basic Pork Sausages was 32%. Less than a third!! LESS. At what point do we say, this is not meat. 1%? Half a percent? At what point does the label on a pack of Pommie sausages go from "Pork Sausage" to "Not really pork sausage"?


So what is in a sausage if it isn't meat? Giblets? Guts? If only. It's sausage substitute. It's called Rusk. Part wheat, part gluten, and a sprinking of Ammonium Carbonate. Fucking hell.


Consider that for a moment.The English sausage, (itself a substitute for meat) is mostly filled with a substitute for sausage.The tragic thing is the sausage is Englands pride. It's the banger in the mash. It's what makes a full english, full. And you can't even get that right.


You pathetic bastards.


I mean I've eaten some not particulary nice sausages back in Australia in my time, but I can tell you, more than one in three bites had meat in it.


England, your food makes me vomit.

Burn Birmingham

Birmingham. The very word conjures up images of Ozzy Osbourne, Jasper Carrott, Pollution, ugly people with peculiar accents and the death of the British car industry.

Queen Victoria had the right idea about this disgusting slum of a city. Whenever the Royal Train was approaching Birmingham she made her servants draw all the curtains in her carriage so she did not have to look at the fucking place as the train sped through.

And now it would seem that Birmingham has become home to the biggest collection of Muslims, Hindus and Sikhs this side of the sub continent of South Asia.

A drive through anyone of the many suburbs of this filthy city is like driving through downtown Bangalore, Karachi or Mumbai. Although I imagine that any one of those 3 cities are significantly nicer than Birmingham.

What a fucking shithole.

Welcome to fucking England

"Living in England I don't have to act like I'm having fun. Sitting here in the sun. In England"


So said one of my favourite Aussie bands 'The Screaming Jets' on their track 'Living in England'.

I can only assume those bastards were taking the piss.


Welcome to my blog. I've decided to give the world a totally unbiased view of what its really like to come from the greatest country in the world and live in what can only be classified as the arsehole of the universe. ENGLAND.

Oh sure there are a couple of reasonable things about Pommie Land. But then again I'm sure the same could be said about Afghanistan, Zimbabwe and the Democratic Republic of Congo. Britain is an excellent base to set yourself up to explore mainland Europe and Ireland . Britain has excellent roadsigns. And your average Pommie driver is so polite behind the wheel they will happily slam on their brakes in moving traffic just to let me out of a shitty side street so I can join him and do 2 kmh as well on yet another gridlocked main road.

But trust me people, thats as good as it fucking gets.

By the use of this blog I will be shedding light on EXACTLY what it's like to exist in this fucked up little island they call 'Great' Britain.

God save the Queen.